Mule

I was pretty bummed all day. I realised that last night, I took my grieving of King out onto Bailey but I was still determined to not see him again. Being bummed like this only showed me that I liked him too much and that was a dangerous zone.

I don't want anything messy. I don't want to deal with people's shit. I just want me time and that's it - I'll tolerate my own problems but I'm not going to go delving in some sticky situation where I have to start considering and prioritizing other people's needs and wants.

Yeah, I'm stubborn. I know. But that just translates to being headstrong. And at this point in time I am so sick of being hurt.

Michael and I went shopping. Supposedly it was meant for him but I ended up blowing $400 carelessly. I call it retail therapy, I felt better anyway. Michael didn't buy anything except lunch.

When I bought lunch the Subway guy was chatting me up but he was super friendly and smiley that it just brought my mood up. He was asking where I worked and when I was walking away from the Subway stall he yelled out, "HAVE FUN AT WORK TONIGHT, MISS!!"
I thought that was really sweet.

We went to Darren's house quickly then Michael dropped me off to work. Everyone all day had been asking about Bailey and then calling me a dickhead after I told them that I decided to stop seeing him.

My sister said that I promised I wouldn't put up a defense mechanism - and that I'm being a typical Lynch sister by doing so. Michael said that I've gotta stop stopping myself from being happy and that if I'm trying to avoid being hurt then why am I hurt now? I knew he was right, I was hurt but I was just saving myself from bigger hurt, frustration and messiness later on.

Annette said that she had been the same and let her walls down and now she's happy with her bogan boyfriend. Nate, my bartender colleague who is also my big brother because he's 20 years older than me but I'm his manager gave me a beating about the whole thing and he gave me a great example that made me think, wow I'm a dickhead.

He said, "You don't not cross the street just because there's a chance of a car crash - and that's exactly what you're doing."
He told me to relax a little and just have fun. He knows its hard for me losing someone that I had a lot of unseen feelings for, and that's sad but shouldn't be the end of my happiness.
P.S Lead singer of Cat Empire came in for a drink. I had my favourite song 'Hello' stuck in my head and when he came up to me to order, he goes "Hello!" And I just cracked up laughing! Elias and the singer looked at me funny but I just couldn't control myself. I look chubster.

Then we discussed what we should do with his love life. I left to go to my next work and met up with my colleagues. I walked past Bailey's work and thought to myself, "Aw I'm a shit face."

I went to work and after everyone's pestering I decided to call him. I knew he was playing a gig tonight (he's the bass player in a band) so I wasn't expecting him to answer but he did.

I apologised and told him I didn't expect anything but owed him the truth and that he was right. I wasn't hustling but just a scaredy cat. I felt like crap, I knew my grieving time for King was long overdue because I felt it toiling inside, playing Bailey around like that made me unsettled and then a guy vomiting on me at work just topped it off.

So I caught a taxi home, and left work early. Bailey rode to my house and we decided to chat for a little bit. He had work the next day so we didn't talk too long. I did open up about King and let a tear roll down, and then I felt better. I suck at crying - sometimes I cry with no tears, and I'm not joking. I just have this stupid scrunched up face and my body shakes like I'm sobbing but there's nothing streaming out from my eyes.

Deshna called me upset and crying, saying that she missed me. I missed her a lot too. I miss my best friend. I miss my mum. I miss everyone. She told me to stop pushing people away. I can't help it, you'd think that death would bring people closer to you but for me I want protection from pain.

I am so stupid. Why didn't anyone tell me earlier? I'm a stubborn mule.
Stupid stupid stupid.