Open Mic

Thanks for all the lovely anonymous messages. I really do appreciate them.

You know that I'm okay, its just this blog is my most honest medium to transcribe my thoughts on. I find it difficult to open up and so I get stuck into heart break pickles like the one I'm going through because I just won't try.

It's okay though. I'm keeping my mind busy with school and music and that is keeping me happy. I do know that it is a part of life but I'm still allowed to hurt. Anyway, I'm using it to stimulate writing songs! Haha! So, it's a great use towards my music endeavours.

I've started to become super pro-active with my music (or try to be). There's only so much a newbie independent knows on what to do. I've scored a couple of gigs that I will post soon once all the details are confirmed. You know, scoring gigs is one thing but practise is another. My last performance was 2 months ago and because I'm so inexperienced, I knew I had to go get my blood boiling.

So last night I went to an Open Mic near my university to get some practise in. I WAS SO SUPER SCARED. I was shaking and I stuffed up a multitude of times. I came off that stage thinking I did terrible but surprisingly I got a good response from the crowd. I guess I did okay then, but I know I can do better so I'll go to Open Mics weekly until I feel more comfortable haha. I'm determined to polish up my skills.

University is keeping me busy too, its already past mid-semester. I'm enjoying it. I've gotta work hard to sustain a scholarship otherwise my family would never be able to afford sending me. At least business is much more relaxed than engineering. Although I was surprised at the workload. I might not have to spend as much time at university compared to Engineering but there is a lot of off-time too. Probably because I'm doing my degree accelerated to chop off a year.

I'm still home alone in this big house. My grandma fainted last weekend and had to be rushed off to hospital for internal bleeding. I hope she's okay. My mum is staying back another week, she can't stay more than a month because she stupidly entered her home country with the Australian passport. I scolded her saying, "IF THERE WAS EVER A TIME YOU WOULD USE YOUR TAIWAN PASSPORT.... DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE IN TAIWAN?"
Haha she is so silly but. Means I'd have to clean the house next week but. Thoroughly. My long hair is everywhere and she'll freak. Plus I've set up camp in the dining room and that's a total pet peeve of hers.

I've been hanging out with my primary school friend. I haven't seen him in 8 years but he's also going through a heartbreak so we've been doing girly things like watch movies and eat ice cream out of buckets together. It is funny.

Sigh, I miss the boy but I'm not hurting so much anymore. I've accepted that he is a learning curve for me and I should grow from this experience and let him find someone he deserves. Doesn't mean I'm gonna let the next person in with full force but! Do not worry. I am the anti-relationship man. My mum has drummed that into me well.

Sorry that I only really blog once a week now. School doesn't make for interesting conversation.

Reject

Well I went down to Melbourne with Mikey to try and get my closure like a crazy girl.

I saw him and he told me in the first two minutes that it was over. And that was it!
I'm terribly hurt and I think its done my head in because for once, it was all my fault.

I've spent the last three days in Melbourne just sleeping on the cold, hard floor at my friend's place. My friends have been great but I just don't want to see anyone. I know I sound like a sulk. This is my blog and I rant here because I don't like ranting in real life.

I'm going to miss him. I can't believe I was so ignorant. He got too close for my comfort and that scared me shitless which in turn made me do dumb things.

I'm just trying not to think about it but its difficult. My friends say that I'll learn from this to jump into opportunities but I'm not sure that that's what I'll learn from this. I'm going to be even more careful of being hurt. I'll try to keep busy with university, gym and music. I want my mum to come home so I'm not so alone in the big strange house.

I had coffee with a Melbourne artist yesterday and we talked about music and business. We're planning to do a few shows together so hopefully that comes together nicely. Melbourne air/food has made me sick already and last night I was vomiting, had diarrhoea haha and the worst stomach cramps all night. I fly back to Brisbane tonight, can't wait.

Can't wait for when the hurt subsides too.

Tween

I don't know what to do.
I don't think I've been weighed down like this for a long time. I've been so used to finally feeling happiness that I forgot what it was like on the other end when I've felt it all throughout growing up. Funny how just a short ride on happiness makes someone weak again. I used to be strong.

I've called, I've even sent a postcard but nothing is enough for him to stop ignoring me. He needs to tell me whether its completely done with or not. The silence is just making me stay in a terrible middle state where I can't move on.

See, my huge mistake was - I liked him a lot so I was scared of the whole thing. I'm ruined for relationships. So I always kept him at an arm's distance and he was patient enough for a long time to work through that but I guess I used up all patience he had for me. I totally understand, I was a bitch that took advantage of him for my own benefits. I deserve all of this.

One of my close friend's mum told him, 'I love Deena as your friend but make sure it always remains that way. She's not one for relationships, she's always going to be looking for something else. Something must've happened to her when she was younger.'

I have no idea how she deduced that but my friend was like don't hold anything against my mum! And I was thinking.. I'm not because it's so true. I don't know how to trust. So although I think I'm totally protecting myself, I'm a loner.

I've been trying to keep busy. I go to the gym every weekday, I'm trying to be proactive with my music again now that I've settled in. I keep my mind away from negativity during the day but it creeps up at night. I'm home alone now too so I don't have my loud bantering mother to distract me, and Simba is depressed because mum isn't here so we just loll around in sadness together. HAHA this is so sad. Then I have nightmares and wake up at ridiculous times. OH MY GOD, I always pay people out for being like this and now here I am, a perfect example of a teenager - no wait, worse.. a tween. Bucket of ice-cream anyone?