Wednesday, August 31, 2011


So I did want to reply to Bailey from the Hardware store, but I didn't really want to make the first initial phone contact so I decided that I would take a photo of my box all done with the latch & lock he helped me with. And place my number next to it!

I thought I should have fun with this while I'm young! I put it in an envelope and inscribed Bailey in small font in the corner. I left the house and ran for the tram, to only realise I forgot to bring it.

My sister was egging me on to go back and get it and do it today so I hopped out on the next stop and power walked home. I needed to go home anyway - I didn't realise how much of a clown I looked with black jeans, black shoes but white socks beaming out like I was Charlie Chaplin.

So I swapped into boots to cover it up. I don't own black socks, I really gotta invest in some.

I had to buy a paint pen from the Arts shop next to the Hardware store, so I bought that then chickened out in giving him the envelope. Then went to work and realised I had to get something from Officeworks, so I walked past his store again, bought glue and when I walked past I was dead set ready to hand it to one of his colleagues.

I walked in with my palm sweating into the envelope and just beamed out, "HI! CAN YOU GIVE THIS TO BAILEY? OK, THANKS!!" and walked out. I was glad it was over but I was shaking in trepidation because it was out of my hands now! HAHAHA!
Bought this for ten dollars on the way to the train station! It was reduced from 70!

I finished up work, shopped around trying to kill time then headed over to Michael's work. AJ gave me and Michael free movie tickets that expired on the 31st of August so we decided to make use of them. We heard both Green Lantern and Cowboys & Aliens were crap so we settled for Red Dog (An Australian movie about a legendary dog).

It was pretty good, Josh Lucas is in it. I wonder how much they paid him to get a pretty well known American actor to get dirty down under to do a budget film. The movie was cheesy sometimes and a bit try hard bogan with stupid scenes. But I enjoyed hearing about the story of the dog who was a wanderer.

I came home and did my laundry. Our neighbour was over, he's about to leave for 2 months to the States because he's in the Top 12 for X-Factor. Camera crews are coming to his house tomorrow to do all those house scenes.

Bailey messaged me, the conversation went like this:
Bailey: "I was beginning to think you didn't get the lock!"
Deena: "What lock? Who is this? I think you have the wrong number"
Bailey: "This is Bailey. Are you messing with me?"
Deena: "Yeah I am haha. Were you beginning to think you had the wrong number?"
Bailey: "Yea I had just left the house and ran back in to check"
Bailey: "So how am I meant to ask you out without knowing your name?"
Deena: "If I tell you my name, are you going to ask me out?"

Then he called me. In the end, he still doesn't know my name. I'm going to see how long I can last without telling him my name hahahahaha! He told me that he was at the other store today and they called him saying, "GUESS WHO CAME IN TODAY? THAT GIRL FROM ACROSS THE STREET!"

So he said he'd be there in 10 minutes after he finished work. He came in and got handed this envelope with his name on it, he opened it up and there was a note that said, "Please do not further contact me. From hot girl"

He was thinking, "Did she call herself, 'hot girl'?" Then realised that his colleagues were pulling a prank on him! Then they gave him the real envelope.

He also told me that his friend sent him a video clip to his phone with Peter Andre's 'Mysterious Girl' which means he talked to his friends about me. He's given me so much details already that its less of a game to me now! But he seems adorable, I'm hanging out with him tomorrow after work.

Let the games begin! And I'm totally going to say my name is Esmerelda.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Latch & Lock

So I spray painted everything gold (even re-did the hinges on my box) and it was a pretty dodgy job. I was way too eager to drill everything together that not everything had dried properly.

Oh well, imperfections make art right? Well thats what my mum said to me when she smudged the top of my box hahahaha.

So I was trying to screw everything in but the wood was way too stubborn so I went down to the garage and pulled out a power drill.

It still took a while because the screws were so short, so I got a long one to start making a hole and then screwed the little ones in.

I finally finished it! I now have my personal box all ready to store my wishes and letters.

I went to work and then Quinton picked me up. We jammed for hours. We have 3 unfinished songs right now that won't go anywhere. Our brain was clogged. So instead we went through all our old songs and then he had to go.

I then spent the next few hours finishing my own song. And surprisingly I did finish it! At about 9pm!

Michael came over and we slapped all our leftovers together and made a Mexican/Korean pasta.... it was pretty delicious! BELIEVE ME!

I'd post the lyrics to my song but it sounds pretty emotional. The song isn't mopey and boohoo - its more a tune that shows I'm at peace with myself.. So when you read it, don't be imagining a really depressing song okay?
Still Here
Verse 1:
I'm sitting on the rooftop
I'm waiting in the dark
With only the night's freckles above me
I hear nothing but the rain
No calling of my name (Expecting your call of my name)
I thought that you'd be here right now

Aren't you coming to find me?
Won't you say good bye?
Are you happy and out of pain?
Would you watch over me?

Because you are
King of all the clouds
You'll call on angels when we need
Send raindrops when we cry

Because you are
The love bared in the moon
My wish on each fallen star
For you to visit when we dream

Verse 2:
Trying to find you right now
In the garden of Winter
Lost in the crowd of people around me
There's no dial to your phone
I feel so alone
I thought that you'd be here with me

Then I had a long discussion with Raph about death. Like two weeks before King passed away, Raph lost his old roommate friend too (Raph is my current roommate). Its so strange that it was so timely like that but it has been good to know that we're both going to similar things and trying to continue on with our lives like there was never any hindrance to begin with. We just talked about how sometimes good comes out of death and that our loved ones wouldn't want us miserable down here.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Hardware Boy

I went to the hardware store on Saturday while Michael decided to go for a MASSAGE. I had 40 minutes to kill and so I went on a hunt for a latch. I needed a latch to put on this box that I made in high school. I wanted it to become my personal box with personal letters and instructions for when the time comes for me to pass away.

I know it may sound strange and sadistic to some but, after King left - it was so comforting to have his words with me. All those letters made me feel less alone, you know? So I want to make sure that when I leave, I can leave words behind for my loved ones.

And my Facebook and other account passwords. I mean, say I pass away and my Facebook display picture was this total ocker, unladylike picture of me with my finger up my nose or something... I'd like someone to change it to a pretty picture of yours truly you know?

And my blog, I'd hate all my readers to be left without knowing thinking I had abandoned you. So I'd like someone to post up that I am gone and to not waste your time waiting for new posts and that she always appreciated being comforted by strangers for her deepest thoughts.

Those are just a few examples. Anyway, this cute boy that worked at the hardware store helped me out. Teaching me how I'd go about doing it - and finding different types of screws to fit my description of the box. During the whole process we talked about random things like where I worked, and how many days we work and that we both get paid in cash.. (Don't tell the government please?)

Anyway, he said he'd give me the screws for free but he'd see how much the latch is. He asked the co-worker who was this big grizzly guy who just grunted at the guy helping me which apparently meant, "Just take it, it's a present" said the guy who helped me.

I insisted on paying but he said to just take it. So I was very flattered and walked out happy with a free latch and screws. I then went to Michael who was rejuvenated from his massage.

This morning, I walked into work and the Cafe guys were like - "Hey, did you go to the hardware store on the weekend?"

I answered with "yeeeahh..." but thinking WTF WHY?

Nadia said that this guy had come in before and looked for me. Well, a girl about his height with long brown hair because he didn't know my name.

She gave me a bag which had a note inside that said,
"You forgot to buy a lock!
-Bailey [insert Bailey's number]"
And he gave me a lock! Hahah which is totally adorable because I didn't mention anything about GETTING a lock just WANTING to lock the box. And the way he did it was so much better than just asking for my number on that Saturday I went in!

All the boys I told the story to were like, "Shit. That's original. Are you going to give him credit for his good idea?"

Hahahaha.. But I don't really know if I should message him. My friend Dennis is hilarious - trying to convince me to send in a customer review to his manager or drop in a note that says, "To Employee of the Week. You seem to be pretty good at finding the owner of items in lost & found :) Use those same skills and find the owner of this number [insert Deena's number]"

Apparently it'd make Bob the Builder smile for a week.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Round Three

I woke up from my busy, engaging night in the afternoon. I decided to go to the Italian strip, Lygon street for a hearty Carbonara.

It definitely hit the spot! Afterwards, I grabbed gelato - green tea & mint. I know, I know, I always eat green tea and I should be getting interesting flavours when I go to a gelati joint in an Italian area but I CAN'T RESIST. And hey, it was a damn good green tea ice cream!

Afterwards, I loled around at home. It was time to go to my friend's house where we were all meeting up for dinner. But then it hit me - it has been 3 long weeks since King's passing yet it feels like yesterday. I started sulking like a baby then ended up bubbling up and crying to Michael.

I just felt like the world never stops spinning for us. You're expected to gulp the pain and throw yourself back into the pace of time. Always moving forward, never stopping to grieve properly.

I threw a tantrum saying I didn't want to go to my friend's house and he kept trying to force me. But I was adamant and stubborn with my big puffy eyes. So we ended up going into the city for some Korean BBQ to cheer my spoiled bottom up.

Before dinner though I cried until I fell asleep (I think its called REM sleep? Where you're half conscious still?) I heard King's voice in my dream and it scared me so much that when I woke up I couldn't talk, or didn't feel like talking for 2 hours. I was just using sign language and messaging Michael to tell him what to order and etc.

Finally, Michael asked for more sauce for me. And the waitress gave me honey dipping instead of sesame oil AND I LOVE MY SESAME OIL AND SALT for Korean BBQ so I finally raised my voice and was like - I WANT MY SESAAAAMEEEEEEEEE!

Then I was back to normal :)
I played my guitar, watched a movie then fell asleep.
Just thought I'd show photos of Darren's turtle we got him for his birthday!
Master Oogway

Squirt and Master Oogway

Saturday, August 27, 2011


WORK WAS SO BUSY!! I was so flat out and stressed! We made 3 times as much as the previous weekend and I made over $100 in tips which is RARE at my small bar!

It was a really tiring but successful weekend. One of the bosses finally actually THANKED me for everything I had done. I was glad that I finally got recognition. He looked so happy that night too.

Then an old, old manager came in and I had no idea what to do. He was trashed and came behind the bar and was screaming, "YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM. JUST GET WHAT I WANT FROM DOWNSTAIRS - VODKA, SAUCERS etc."

I didn't know what to do because he was tripping over everything and trying to flair drunk with expensive bottles. Everyone was like ask Deena she's the manager, and my boss just stood there letting me try and handle it..

I was like, "Oh we've already packed it and we just want to clean up and go home!"

Ughhh... we just let him be and tried to clean around him but it was pretty difficult. And I was already flat out from the super busy night. I just wanted to collapse.

Afterwards, we went to have a drink because it was Tazz's last night. We went to this strange bar and this redneck Australian came up to me and was like, "I LOVE CHINESE PEOPLE BUT I KNOW YOU ARE ALSO AUSTRALIAN."

Just kept going on and on about loving Chinese people and if anyone looks at me funny to call on him. Hahahahhaa!

I wore my sister's shirt that she gave me - I didn't know how to really work a low scoop neck so I sent it to Desh until we were happy.
Too many bogan necklaces didn't work...

Hair out didn't work...

We were happy

Just showing off my new pair of Cheap Monday Second Skin Hi-Rise JEAANS!

On Friday night I got Annette to help me with my outfit. I finally got these shoes from ASOS so I wanted to wear them! But I had no idea how to work it!

Thursday, August 25, 2011


I was awoken by the inflamed Michael whose reaction was escalating. It has been a long time since I've woken up at 6:30am, but I took him to a different 24 hour doctors. He finally got prescribed cortisone tablets and cream.

I then went back to sleep. I woke up and prepared lunch for Annette and Michael. We ate then we went to the museum to enrich our brains. After 2 hours, my brain was struggling to absorb anything. I pushed on for the 3rd hour and - then the museum closed.

Jewelry with oxidized minerals would be so gorgeous...

I'll be back though! I have to finish the upstairs off! The museum was completely dedicated to evolution pretty much.

We then popped over to the Winter Festival once again to feast on Argentinean BBQ again! They remembered us so they put heaps on this time! Afterwards I had poffertjes for dessert once more then chugged it down with free chai lattes. We even got free chai samples this time round!

We were still peckish. I was craving fish after reading about deep sea creatures at the museum so we headed to China Town and ordered a whole deep fried spicy flounder then had shark fin soup. My oh my was I full by then!
Deep sea creature - the blob fish... Looks like a melted human face

Then I fell asleep early like a baby.
This is the exhibition building next to the Museum. I have my university exams here! I also did that Indonesian photo shoot here which was close to a year ago. They STILL haven't sent me any images, sigh.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I spent all day reading Norwegian Wood - a Japanese book translated into English. It then overcame me that I've been acting like a slob recently

All I've really eaten for lunch the past couple of days were chocolates and shapes. Then when dinner came by, I'd pig out on fast food.

Only arseholes feel sorry for themselves. So I had a shower, went for a walk to the grocery store and brought ingredients to make my version of Waldorf salad and pan fry some lemon juice soaked salmon fillets.

On my way home, I passed a florist. I always whine about how flowers are a waste of money because they die in a few days - but I bought myself a bunch of tulips (my favourite flowers because their pastel coloured, rounded petals look like they've been captured by cartoon illustrators).

I picked out the prettiest bunch of the lot, that still looked like it'd bloom in the next days.

Then I went home and realised I didn't own a vase so I cut the top off a water bottle. Now the cute little tulips look like crap crammed in some plastic bottle, haha!

My friend had a reaction from hair dye so I took him to the doctors but they were so hopeless. The doctor was falling asleep at his table and I had to trigger his memory.. because he blanked out for so long....
In the end he gave my friend nothing when he was starting to look like an old man puffer fish.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Alpine Festival

I went to work.
The owners called me and flipped at me and the cafe owner, Sanju. We don't really know what's going on because we hadn't done anything wrong..

They were abusing us because we didn't answer the business phone. I said I've never been told to touch the business phone and Sanju said he was busy.

I had no idea we were meant to answer it?! I thought that's why everything gets redirected to my personal mobile phone - everyone calls and e-mails to my OWN PHONE. I thought they didn't want people touching the business phone.

He disrespectfully said I was a liar, a fool and untrustworthy - and all because I didn't answer a phone call? Sanju and I were so confused.

We think somethings going on, something strange - because last week they didn't bring in the alcohol stock and then they blamed Sanju and I for it.

I showed them the e-mail specifically telling the owners WHAT TO BUY. But instead they said SANJU should've bought it. Sanju was thinking, WHY? I run the cafe in the day not the bar in the night.

Anyway, I was way too overstressed. They didn't talk to me with any decency and respect. I went down to the kitchen and had a little cry.

Afterwards, Michael and I decided to check out the Alpine Festival in Carlton. We enjoyed poffertjes (Dutch pancakes) and then beef ribs from the Argentinian BBQ stall. My god both those things were so delicious! I can't get over how delicious the BBQ was.

The sauce is called chimichurri? Next time I have a BBQ I'm going to make that sauce and paste it onto everything! YUM!

We sat by the free Chai Latte stall and watched pro ice skaters glide across the outdoor rink. My friend just continuously laughed at one civilian who wasn't doing very well on the ice, I felt sorry for the guy.

We had a quick browse at the museum but then it was closing. We decided we'd go back soon to absorb some interesting facts of life.
Blue Pygmy Whale

Then Michael and I had a girly night, ordering delivered pizza, reading books and dying his hair. How hilarious is that?
P.S Michael is not gay for all I know so far HAHAHAHA

Friday, August 19, 2011

Sad Sick

Wings of lead did have me bound
Irony beset for flight unsound
But still I did take to the sky
For I have the will to fly
The power of will

I worked. I ate dinner with AJ who is leaving me for a month to go to Indonesia. I skipped my second work as I felt sick. I thought I could survive winter without being hit with the flu, but I couldn't escape the end of it.

I came home. I showered. I realised I had mistaken the uncomfortable feeling for sad sick. I tried to grieve.

I took refuge in my room. My heart felt heavy. I sat on the floor at my fishes to cheer me up. Dragonball was floating upside down. That was the last straw. I didn't want to see death.

I bent forward, arms holding me up, hands pressed to the floor and cried. I cried with the force of a person vomiting. I cried with no secrecy as I was home alone.

After crying for half an hour, I decided to embarrassingly call King's brother. I've only met him a handful of times but we grieved together. We talked about King for 3 hours. We talked about the gritty details of his death. We talked about the untruth his friends are weaving to protect themselves from prosecution. We talked about how King's mind was trapped in a fantasy. We talked about King's loves.

I've coped with all kinds of situations and I'm just surprised I can't handle myself well over this one. I feel weak and stupid. I've gotta come to terms with the fact that, death is not the opposite of life but a part of it.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


My verse sweetly still, speaks of bitter gall
All in a word, where broken hearts do dwell,
He who writes of love knows not love at all
I write of pain for I know love too well
He who writes of love has never known it
For I do know love - a love tried and true
Here I write of pain, once in love with you

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Hot Pot

Love is a test

She steals your heart, you steal hers,
She breaks your heart, you run away with hers
When the world is against you being together
When you really hurt each other - time and pain defy you

When its easier to give up than to keep fighting
Still you can't help the way you feel
You can't live without that person
Defying fate and fortune you'll do anything to be with that person still
Then you are in love..
And I pity you
Pain is love
In a world that loves pain
He walks away because he can't bear to lose her again
He comes back because he can't bear to let her go

Kevin organised hot pot at my place. It was a lovely night, except cut short for Kevin as he had some emergency business to attend to. Kevin also spilled creaming soda all over the kitchen bench top and it took the rest of us ages to get the stain off.

After some beautiful hot pot of silver side beef, sliced lamb, fish balls, quail eggs, tofu, enoki mushroom, spinach immersed in miso broth - we went to Brunetti's to enjoy patisserie and coffee.

A chilled night. People sent me messaged of condolences as they knew he was special to me.

Then I cried for hours. Never in my entire life have I cried this hard, I sobbed, howled and dribbled.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

To My Dearest

(He wrote me a letter and gave it to me a year later on my birthday with this scribbled on the back)
Happy Birthday Deena!
Clearly I can't write without guidelines. Each moment will never come again, be sure every single one is worth remembering! Love you always! The world is blessed having you around!

Dear Deena,
I hope you've had a very Merry Christmas and a really happy New Year. I'm sitting on my verandah in Amalfi, on the south coast of Italy overlooking thousands of miles of ocean between us. The sun is setting for the sky to be set ablaze in fireworks to remind me that its Christmas eve.
This trip has been amazing, like a dream. Except around here, the splendour that is this side of the world is just known as, "La Dolce Vita," "La Belle Vie," it's "the life", "C'est la Vie." In whatever language you like it means the same thing. It means, falling asleep in London, and waking up in Rome, it's dreaming under a Parisian skyline and waking up in a Venetian fairytale, it's "the beautiful life." It's everything my wildest dream could hardly embellish.
I hope you've really enjoyed your trips and have many stories to tell. The sun has set entirely with a horizon of glimmering glimpses of heaven to dream under. Rest assured I've thought of you everyday, and missed you more than you could imagine. I love to dream, for when I dream I can be wherever I want. Be it France, Italy, Spain, England or whatever else the world could offer, no matter where my dreams can take me... I just want to be with you.

(The one I wrote when I was 15 but never had the guts to give him)
Dear Kingy,
My letter can't be romanticised like yours nor can I describe the shores of Italy as I am in a dirty countryside of Taiwan at the moment.
The thought of you leaving before my 16th birthday to go to Japan leaves me a little sadness. The fact you won't be here with me and I won't be there with you is upsetting because really, having spent over two years and a lot of my spare time with you it seems tradition. But its always the summer holidays that break it, isn't it?

I don't think I've ever told you that you seriously mean a lot to me. I wouldn't be the Deena I am today. You've baby fed me and suffered through my tears, moods and euphoria. The huge support you've held for me has been so significant in holding my sanity because there has been many moments when I thought I couldn't get through it but you proved my thoughts wrong every time.

I can't say you've been a great brother to me because you've been more than that. I don't really want to tell you how I see you in my life. Maybe not for many more years. Yesterday, a quiet, young boy I barely knew broke down crying to me and it made me realise that I've had an abundant amount of friends, great friends in my life and out of all, I would say you have zestfully and endlessly been there for me.

King, as corny as it is I can't imagine my life without you. I really hope you will stay in my life or at least keep me in your thoughts as you hit the lights of Hollywood. I have a lot of respect, love, faith and hope for you. Know that I will always be here for you even if we're skies apart, like we are now.

Anywhere, anytime, I will always be your Deena.

(He wrote this in a page of my book)
Dear Deena,
I could see you in every part of the world that I could call beautiful. I can see the stars in the twinkle of your eyes, or your hair dance across a summer breeze. I can feel all the warmth in the world when I hold you, and all love to bear in your smile. I can see you in every sunset, every endless shores (Noosa), every star and everything I call beautiful. Because you mean everything to me. To think, the whole world fits in my arms.

Forever and ever,

(The letter I wrote last night as 19 year old melancholic Deena)
King -
I flew 900 miles to be at home with you today and I'd fly even further towards the clouds to come find you but that voyage may take a long or short while for me. Please be patient, my dear.

I promised you many things. Most importantly to you, a reply to your amorous letters. Since I was 16, I had one for you in a book locked away by fear and diffidence. You asked every year for it on your birthday and I persisted to hide cowardly. Its time I learned from your passionate, lionhearted soul.

King, look at how many freckles there are in the sky tonight!
Do you ever wonder how they burn so brightly? Or if light years away they've already died yet time hasn't been long enough for them to let us know they've faded? I ponder that every time I stare at one too long.

I remember we'd sneak through your window and crawl out onto the cold navy roof tiles of your home. No grime or dust would bother me at that moment - for I would lie down with my arms outstretched like angel wings and legs out to brace against gravity. I'd only have two things on my mind, the earth's ceiling above me and you perched next to me. Then we'd talk, for hours on end. We'd talk until the sun rose or fell.

Under the blankets of poison ivy encased around my stubborn heart, lies my endearment for you and our memories. Your unparalleled acts of romance has filled me with enough love for years. Thus, I've had no need to let anyone else in as deep.

So what am I meant to do now, King? Will I live lovelessly? Will I turn even more cold hearted? Are you happy? Are you out of pain? Would you watch over me?

I'll live you through my life with La Valse d'Amelie playing in my mind.

Wait for me.