Wednesday, October 3, 2012


I don't know what to do.
I don't think I've been weighed down like this for a long time. I've been so used to finally feeling happiness that I forgot what it was like on the other end when I've felt it all throughout growing up. Funny how just a short ride on happiness makes someone weak again. I used to be strong.

I've called, I've even sent a postcard but nothing is enough for him to stop ignoring me. He needs to tell me whether its completely done with or not. The silence is just making me stay in a terrible middle state where I can't move on.

See, my huge mistake was - I liked him a lot so I was scared of the whole thing. I'm ruined for relationships. So I always kept him at an arm's distance and he was patient enough for a long time to work through that but I guess I used up all patience he had for me. I totally understand, I was a bitch that took advantage of him for my own benefits. I deserve all of this.

One of my close friend's mum told him, 'I love Deena as your friend but make sure it always remains that way. She's not one for relationships, she's always going to be looking for something else. Something must've happened to her when she was younger.'

I have no idea how she deduced that but my friend was like don't hold anything against my mum! And I was thinking.. I'm not because it's so true. I don't know how to trust. So although I think I'm totally protecting myself, I'm a loner.

I've been trying to keep busy. I go to the gym every weekday, I'm trying to be proactive with my music again now that I've settled in. I keep my mind away from negativity during the day but it creeps up at night. I'm home alone now too so I don't have my loud bantering mother to distract me, and Simba is depressed because mum isn't here so we just loll around in sadness together. HAHA this is so sad. Then I have nightmares and wake up at ridiculous times. OH MY GOD, I always pay people out for being like this and now here I am, a perfect example of a teenager - no wait, worse.. a tween. Bucket of ice-cream anyone?


Anonymous said...

everything's going to be ok princess

Anonymous said...

You sound like you have daddy issues.