Friday, August 19, 2011

Sad Sick

Wings of lead did have me bound
Irony beset for flight unsound
But still I did take to the sky
For I have the will to fly
The power of will

I worked. I ate dinner with AJ who is leaving me for a month to go to Indonesia. I skipped my second work as I felt sick. I thought I could survive winter without being hit with the flu, but I couldn't escape the end of it.

I came home. I showered. I realised I had mistaken the uncomfortable feeling for sad sick. I tried to grieve.

I took refuge in my room. My heart felt heavy. I sat on the floor at my fishes to cheer me up. Dragonball was floating upside down. That was the last straw. I didn't want to see death.

I bent forward, arms holding me up, hands pressed to the floor and cried. I cried with the force of a person vomiting. I cried with no secrecy as I was home alone.

After crying for half an hour, I decided to embarrassingly call King's brother. I've only met him a handful of times but we grieved together. We talked about King for 3 hours. We talked about the gritty details of his death. We talked about the untruth his friends are weaving to protect themselves from prosecution. We talked about how King's mind was trapped in a fantasy. We talked about King's loves.

I've coped with all kinds of situations and I'm just surprised I can't handle myself well over this one. I feel weak and stupid. I've gotta come to terms with the fact that, death is not the opposite of life but a part of it.