Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Daydreams

When I was 14 with Laura and Elisa..

A question from Hasan...

For me, every spare moment goes unwasted. Those seconds are invested into my head, where my personalised squishy-pink substance sitting in my cranium then distracts my attention from the present. In that very split instant, my brain could take me to the burnt, flaxen sands of Rio Di Jeniro or enjoy a grandiloquent celebration of French glory on the streets of Bordeaux. But no, my brain prefers to take me to the same place, the same sequence, the same repetitive daydream. A daydream in present time, in present place but of me undergoing different steps to approach a new lifestyle.

Which leads me to my own question - is my brain subconsciously telling me that I'm unhappy? Is my brain throwing water at and slapping my face to say, "Deena! This daydream is what you REALLY want, who you REALLY want to be."

I guess the time has come where I stand at a crossroad, where one road exists as the aspirations I've embedded at the bottom layer of brain matter and the other as the one I've started to tread on; where everyone stands by and points down to tell me, "This way is how you should spend your life."

As most of you would know, I'm studying engineering at the University of Melbourne. Its a prestigious, respected school, I hear the praises all the time but frankly, I hate it. However, I find pathetic excuses to develop an appreciation for it because it took me my high school lifetime to convince people to let me turn down medicine, optometry, physiotherapy - all of which I was accepted into - and to instead enrol in engineering; the next best respected career. The words: mother, family, support, success, are always reverberating down my ear drums, always used to force down a banquet of guilt down my throat.

Ah, I guess that's the burden of being the eldest in what others may call a broken home. Hasan, I know you asked me to answer who I want to be but I guess I'm not as brave as I am towards every other aspect I encounter. The day I tell you who I want to be, is the day I exist as the person I want to be - so gather your patience.

Happiness for everyone bar my own has always been the focus of my endeavours but at a snail's pace, my untamed dreams are skyjacking my head. I'll lend one secret though, I'm ready to be more selfish, I'm ready to attempt being deranged, I'm ready to be who I want to be.

I guess we'll let the Summer holidays decide whether I can chose the shoes I walk in. Quinton, are we ready to install our dreams?

3 comments:

Kaiser Ho said...

good luck

Tinka said...

That was deep, wish I could be of any use. The only thing I can share is, whichever way you go, you will find happiness.
Every path is the right path, eventually, because it is your own.
Try to hold on to the fact that people care a lot about you, and they always will.

Hasan said...

Deena the fairy, your dreams takes you to the right place, the current moments u r living in, it’s a gift for us to design our future tht is why it is called “The Present”. If the change in lifestyle is for improvement then the initiation shud b done quickly. Every second spend on it is worthy.
You are intelligent and clever, no one can ever tell you how shud you live ur life. Its you who has the choice and power of making decisions for your career and better future. Your love ones will be proud of you for the milestone u will be achieving thru your decisions in your lifetime. Studying engineering at university of Melbourne is one example for them and I know you are proud of it.
Life come with some responsibilities and I guess we all have them, the only difference is some have more than the others. I’m 100% confident and strongly believe that you are brave enough to face the life from all aspects, you got those traits. For an individual like you, the world has not have to wait for long before you announce yourself as a successful person, we all know you are a good achiever.
You are a fairy who has the magic of happiness, anyone around you experience themselves the most happiest and the luckiest person on the planet. No matter how hard you try you cannot be selfish to anyone, trust me on this, this is something you cannot be good at.
Its only you who know what you are and what you want to be but who ever you are, still you are the best.
Good Luck Fairy…